It’s a New Year Filled of Introspection

Happy New Year and safe holidays to my loyal readers! Once again it’s been awhile since I’ve published a post, my apologies. Last month I had another massive meltdown that resulted in hospitalization … although I don’t believe the stay helped in the way most people think it would for me.

Any whom, I’ve return home and things are much more colder, tenser and explosive all at once with my mother. We don’t communicate they way we used to and I honestly believe that’s a part of growing up. However, I don’t have the vocabulary to explain to her what my true needs are. At my age I believe certain things about my self that I should have accomplished and yet still have not achieved them. I strongly believe that comparing myself to others has really taken a toll on my mental state so, once again, learning how to let all of that go.

A few days ago I had to put down one of my therapy rabbits. It was rough time but, had a feeling his time was up when I came back home from hospital. Lately, I have had some privacy issues that has made me become ultra paranoid resulting in more medications. I am still very ashamed and disappointed that, I still have to be on meds just to sleep. Who knows if I will ever get to sleep naturally and dream again.

During my hospitalization, I did inquire about an adult autism screening. Luckily, one of the staff members took me seriously and did a prescreening with me and determined it would be worth looking into further. I am forever grateful for that health worker for believing me and for the actual encouragement I got for self-advocacy she gave me for possibly being on the spectrum. I am looking forward to the next step toward having a full assessment.

On a brighter note, I feel as though I’ve found the love of my life … he just doesn’t know it yet. How does one like myself explain to others that you are seriously in love and not infatuated? I guess I am asking too many nosey questions but damn does it feel incredibly good, relieving and stable in my heart. Every day I think about him, I smile.

I also have been thinking about finding genuine friends online and in real life. The Doctor and my mother believe I should get out more and in some ways I think that is a great way to get more perspectives and form genuine bonds with others. Self-isolation in this COVID pandemic is something I’ve been seriously feeling the effects of and miss the hell out of my previous teachers and all the lessons we used to practice. Maybe someday we will meet again.

Until next time stay inquistive,

Little Samurai

Published by I define Me

I found out I was misdiagnosed by a chance meeting. Ever since then, my life has never been the same. I want to help others like myself, who might suspect they could be Autistic to advocate for themselves, and find the appropriate ADULT resources to live the best life possible. As an adult, I'm tired of being pushed to the sidelines. We exist. We matter. I define Me.

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