Salut interweb, it’s me again.
What a year it’s been since I last wrote. Several life changes has happened and now I am back to my old reliable severely depressed self… yet again. HOWEVER, I know now that it is indeed Autism that explains why I feel the way that I feel and act the way that I act, so there, at least there is some solace in the big picture.
First, I had reignited a relationship I never thought would ignite, yet it did. I unfortunately got cheated on and it still weighs on my mental stability even right now as I type this. It was already hard to trust people so it’s anyone’s guess if the relationship will continue as of this point.
Secondly, I had to put down my second therapy rabbit on July 26, 2022. She was over 5 years old. She some how chipped/ lost her upper teeth, and it wouldn’t grow back. Her bottom teeth overgrew out of her mouth and she kept compulsively pulling out her fur each day which got wedged in her remaining teeth.. meaning, I had to constantly pull out long pieces of fur out of her mouth… literally every hour. It was a nightmare. Even though she was able to eat the watered down pellets I was feeding her and drink water, I could tell that she just wasn’t comfortable and wouldn’t be able to care for her. So I opted for euthanization. It was hard knowing she’s not here but at least she isn’t suffering anymore.
Thirdly, I got 2 black kittens on September 2, 2022. They are now about 8 months old now so I consider them grown cats. They are so big and long when they stretch out and quite a mischievious pair. The hurt of losing my second rabbit was too much to bare so, I researched online and found that if you get another pet, it may help the grieving process. In a way it does, but I still find my self every so often crying over my baby girl.
Fourthly, I returned to college for the 3rd time in my life… yea I know, crazy right? It was a 10-month program which started in January 2022. I finally recieved my diaploma in the mail a few weeks ago. I also changed my name because apparently my birth name has SO much negativety surrounding it. So now, I have a legitimate third career option with a new name to put on my resume but, unfortunately…no job…which equals to no income. And in almost $10K of school debt… deja vu, ain’t it?
Fifthly, I found out in March 2022 that I was 220 lbs (99+ kgs). Apparently the majority of the cause was the medications I got put on from my last hospitalization. So my blood pressure, blood sugars, etc., were all in the prediabetic range. To be honest, the most I have ever weighed in my life is 158 lbs (71 kgs) so it was absolutely devastating to see that number. I’m now on yet ANOTHER medication that is forcing my body to loose the weight (currently down to 185 lbs as of today) but its hard to get the meds so, I just might gain back all those pounds soon enough.
Sixthly, my labtop decided to not turn on anymore, luckily I didnt have much on there to loose except my school textbooks and resume. Then, had to change my cellphone provider because I was not getting reliable internet connection and for some reason they couldn’t fix the issue. And I had to change my pharmacy because they were also becoming unreliable with delivery service. All 3 of these things happened one after the other in December 2022… so you know, meltdowns, GALORE.
Over all, it hasn’t been a good year. And now, with this new year starting I am severely depressed all over again. I have no routine, no school, no work, no activity, no friends, etc., to look forward to. My cats are really the only ones that force me to get out of bed each day to feed and clean up after. Ma is very concerned again but you know, you can’t kick Autism out of an Autist, like a bad habit out of a neurotypical so, c’est la vie. When I applied to get disability during COVID, I paid almost $100 just for the doctor to just fill out the forms and sent them. And I still haven’t heard a reply back from the government. So you know, I feel pretty hopeless in every way.
Despite everything, I realized I haven’t made a new years resolution in about 20 years but this year I would like to change that. The 3 things I want to accomplish are:
- Go to 1 concert per year
- Write 1 blog post at least once a month
- Learn two languages (French and Mandarin)
So far, I’ve got tickets to go to SZA’s first world tour concert in February. I have Duolingo but I am contemplating whether to buy a language learning program I found years ago. It’s about $55 CAD per language. And I’m typing my first blog post of 2023 right now. Other than that, I’m just aimlessly watching youtube, films, listening to my Malade playlist and petting the babies while I cry in bed. It sucks but hey, I am still breathing …right?
Stay Curious,
Ren
Once You've Met One: Advocating For Yourself 