You know, this blog seems to me more like a journal than my original intentions for it. I actually wanted to help people but I don’t think I am. Sigh, I apologize. It seems I’m seeing disappointment in myself at every turn.
In the past 60 days, I’ve finished school and now have school debt up to my eye balls, had to get a new lab top, have no prospects of a job, no contacts, signed up and then dropped a job “agency” because they offer no actual help with finding a job, change my cell phone company and argue with them over email for multiple weeks and then report them so I could get my over payment of $200 + back.
In the meanwhile, arguing over email to change my pharmacy yet AGAIN because of unreliable delivery service, weaned myself off of 4 medications that I can no longer afford, AND since the 17th of January I’ve remained sleep deprived… realizing that my only new form of sleeping medication aren’t working after starting to take it last night. I now average about 1-2 hours of “sleep” each night. I rarely hear from my partner, still mourning the death of my 2nd rabbit (I visit her grave every once in a while) all while trying to adjust to these two cats… by the way, don’t ever tell me that cats are “clean animals” they are SO NOT! The amount of feces I’ve had to wipe up within the last 5 months is unreal.
I loathe my current psychiatrist who STILL wants me on the damn fattening/hypnotic expensive ass drugs (which I told him that I could not afford) and found out today that I can’t go back to my original psychiatrist, even though I WASN’T the one who forced this current doctor on me.
To top it all off, I just found out this evening that my only source to get weight loss injections can’t supply me with samples anymore …so you know, my weight loss journey may come to a screeching holt and I just might pile back on all that weight. Obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high blood sugar isn’t what I call therapeutic but who cares about my thoughts, eh?
I’m already hating 2023 like I did with 2021 and 2022. I have applied for ODSP and waiting on hearing if I can get a case worker because at this point, I’m totally broke with no options to get income … yet again.
I’ll be honest. I’ve completely giving up. My dreams, hopes, desires and aspirations to get a better life than I have. Only now realizing, there clearly is none for me at 35 years old. Those were all fantasies in my head that I stupidly fell for as a teen. I’ve been crying multiple times a day, like I used to back in 2017… the year everything I worked so hard for blew up in my face and someone whom I loved more than life itself, ghosted me.
At this point, I am completely TERRIFIED of EVERYONE, the constant lies I have to hear, the complete miscommunication and total unreliability on anyone. I’m emotionally, mentally and physically worn out of trying to find a career/job after 20 years of searching and going to school in vain . I’m tired of trying to make a relationship work when I’m the only one putting in the effort to communicate (even though I am the one with Autism, how life just keeps spitting in my face). I’m tired of trying to get ahead in life when clearly there is no way for me to get ahead in life. And in about 4 weeks I’m in total financial reliability on my mother. Which really isn’t fair to her in her older days (in my eyes). I apologized to her recently for being a disappointment but, as usual, she doesn’t believe it and opposed that statement.
Lately (once again) I keep watching youtube videos about Chester Bennington and ruminating about him. What a lovely soul. I still can’t believe he isn’t here anymore. He was the one that made me feel like it was okay for this little Black girl with nerdy glasses to listen to heavy metal and rock music. His last interview had some real insight into depression and I can still relate a great deal. I’m not sure why I can’t stop thinking about him. His wife (sorry ex-wife) clearly has moved on to someone else, why can’t I, 5 years after his suicide? I’ve obviously never met the man but, God, did he make a HUGE impression on me.
I’ve been turning to my “Malade Chansons Playlist” while in my room with the cats. It’s about an hour and half worth of songs that help me cope and past the time. Have you ever heard these songs before?
Visions of Gideon – Sufjan Stevens, Clown – Emeli Sande, My December – Linkin Park, Alien – Die Antwoord, Thief – Our Lady Peace, Lover’s Spit (Acoustic Version) – Feist, Krwlng – Linkin Park, Mad World – Michael Andrews & Gary Jules, Corps – Yseult, Strange Days (Acoustic Version) – Matthew Good, 20 Something – SZA, The Dumbing Down of Love – Frou Frou, Breathe Me – Sia, When the Party’s Over – Billie Eilish, Moon River – Audrey Hepburn, Hide and Seek – Imogen Heap, Apparitions (Acoustic Version) – Matthew Good, Goodbye – Billie Eilish, You Lost Me – Christina Aguilera, Listen Before I Go – Billie Eilish
You know, I’m thinking this blog should be called something else because “self-advocacy” doesn’t work when you’ve given up on yourself AND financially unable to provide for your self at my age. I’m a GREAT disappointment to myself and regret majority of things I’ve gotten myself into. Clearly nothing worked out for me. Except my Autism Diagnosis, that I will never regret getting.
I do hope things will work out for your journey though.
Stay Curious,
Ren
Once You've Met One: Advocating For Yourself 